Tag: twins

The fabulous fours

On By twinmumtalesIn being a dad, being a mom, parenting, twins, UncategorizedLeave a comment

As I sit planning my girls’ fifth birthday party I have been reflecting over the last year and age four. I can’t believe that in just a few short weeks we will have survived five years of being twin parents, and age four certainly was an interesting stage.

If you had asked me six months ago what I thought of age four, I would have had something very different to say. I would have said it’s tough, it’s hectic, it’s exhausting and the f*#^#ing fours are very real…

fabulousfour.jpgBUT, over the last few months life has become so much easier as a parent and so much more fun. I can honestly say that, so far, I think I’m enjoying the fours the most. My girls have really come into their own little personalities, they are so inquisitive about life, they are talkative and intelligent, and have the most amazing imagination and thirst for knowledge. Some of the questions they have about our planet, the universe, God, our bodies and how things work astounds me. Along with this, they are the best of friends and their bond is so special.

There is no doubt that we still have our difficult days, but as they get older they are finally learning to chill out a bit – the tantrums are few and far between and when things do get a bit out of hand, I’m more able, or perhaps now more equipped, to deal with it in a calm, loving manner. I guess it’s not only the girls who have chilled out a bit, but us as parents as well. This probably also has to do with the fact that both girls are finally sleeping through the whole night and our entire household is finally getting a full and decent night’s sleep, so we’re all in a much better mood these days. We’ve also seen how our hard work is starting to pay off when it comes to reinforcing good manners and respect, and I’m proud of their increasingly caring and courteous behavior.

Age four is loud, but it’s also fun and entertaining. Somehow my girls just don’t understand that they can get their point across without having to shout it. My ear is right there and it’s okay to speak, not shout. They’ll have a conversation with each other, but it gets very animated, and they can easily get carried away with their story. That’s one thing that AG is very good at – telling stories. She loves to tell fantastical tales, and even at bed time after I’ve read a book to her, she’ll then take the book and page through it and pretend to be reading the story herself. On the other hand, HJ loves to make us laugh – she’s our little clown and comedian. She loves to pull faces and act silly to get a reaction, and she especially loves to make her sister laugh. They both love putting on shows for us, whether it’s a puppet show or a ballet concert, they love the limelight and it’s very sweet to watch them plan the show and then act it out together.

One of AG and HJ’s favourite things to do is play with their Barbies and baby dolls. It’s been so sweet to watch and hear them play and let their imagination run wild. They’ve got all my old Barbies and, as you can imagine the poor dolls’ clothes were 30 years out of fashion, so recently I bought Barbie some new clothes and this was a huge hit – it was expensive but so worth every cent. They role play with Barbie going shopping, Barbie cooking, Barbie having a picnic and going to the beach, Barbie the doctor, Barbie the mommy, Barbie the teacher, and it’s lots of fun to play along with them – bringing back many fond memories for me of playing with these dolls, I can sit there for ages and act along with them. More recently, their cousin also passed on all her old hatchimal and pet pal collections and this has also been a huge hit, with the two of them sitting for hours on the carpet with these toys with their imagination running wild – I just love to listen to the chatter as they play – it’s too adorable!

The bond that has developed between my girls is the most precious thing to experience. They are always concerned about each other, always chatting to each other and never far apart from each other. They certainly do have their moments of friction, especially when they both want the same toy, but more often than not they’ll negotiate a settlement, or sometimes mommy or daddy will have to intervene, and then they get on with their game.

Every stage of parenting has its challenges, and age four certainly didn’t start out so great, but I can honestly say that the fours, overall, have been fabulous, and I can’t wait to see what the fives have in store for us.

That special twin bond

On By twinmumtalesIn being a mom, parenting, twinsLeave a comment

While chatting to my twins’ teacher last night at a school event, she told me that my girls are quite inseparable in class. When they’re sitting on the carpet together, they don’t stop talking to each other, often to the exclusion of any of the other kids. The teachers have had to separate them sometimes to get them to keep quiet, but inevitably, they will find their way back to each other by creeping slowly back along the carpet to be together again.

twinbondI just loved hearing this. Their little twin bond is so strong and their relationship is so amazing, and it’s one of my favourite things about being their parent – watching these two little girls and how they love and care for each other. It makes my mommy heart so happy. They are best friends, sisters and soul mates.

Don’t get me wrong, they have plenty of arguments and drive each other crazy sometimes, but then who wouldn’t after spending every waking moment with someone. This is certainly a challenge when it comes to twins and having two children the exact same age, as they go through life together, experiencing the same things at the same time, and inevitably, they are together ALL the time. I’m sure it will change as they grow older and eventually pursue their own interests, but we have really tried to give them some space from each other as they’re growing older. IP and I try to have individual dates with each of them at least once a month or so where we will each take one out to go do something fun, where they can each have our full attention and have proper quality one-on-one time. They really have enjoyed this, and when we get home, it’s always so sweet to see how excited they are to see each other again and share what they did and saw on their outing. When they’re reunited, they’ll go off and chat, chat, chat about what they got up to.

Our girls aren’t identical and they are such polar opposites when it comes to their looks, personality, behavior and likes and dislikes. I imagine this is one of the main reasons that they get along so well as they are not competing with each other and they largely balance each other out. They have the most amazing imagination and love to play in their room together for ages – how lucky they are to basically have their best friend over every single day for a play date.

What a privilege it is to see these two in action. It really is so wonderful and I feel so blessed to be a part of it!

Welcome to the threenage years!

On By twinmumtalesIn being a mom, toddlers, twins, UncategorizedLeave a comment

So it’s been ages since I wrote a blog post. I guess life has been rather busy with two three-year olds in the house.

I think busy is not the only word I’d use to describe it – chaotic, hectic, exhausting, crazy also come to mind. But on the other hand, I can also say that it’s been fun, entertaining and a joy.

HJ and AG have really come into their own personalities and it’s been such a pleasure to watch them grow up, change and become the amazing little girls that they are. I can honestly say that I am a very proud mamma.

Here are a few things I’ve learnt so far about having a threenager in the house:

messYour house will never be tidy – ever!

Your wash basket with never be empty – no matter how many loads of washing you do, it’s just a never-ending cycle of stinkyness.

Your bathroom will always be stinky, sticky and just plain gross.

You’ll constantly find random crayon and pen marks on your walls, furniture and cupboards and really wonder how on earth they got there without your noticing.

You may find yourself exasperated more often than not and completely overwhelmed by the task of raising this little being, knowing that from now on they will have memories of life with you.  Whatever you do or say may be remembered and leave a permanent mark on how they think and feel about themselves and the world around them. It’s a huge responsibility!

There will be bits of sand and stones carted through your house on a regular basis and no matter how much you sweep or vacuum it will keep appearing.

Every single toy will be taken – or thrown – out of the toy box on an almost daily basis.

Random bits of play-doh will appear on, under and in your couch, bed, carpet, clothes, cupboards and even your hair – yup – everywhere!

You’ll find weird and wonderful pictures on your phone of tiny feet and the ceiling and the tops of little heads and be amazed that not only do your kids know how to access the camera on your phone, even though it’s locked, they’ve now figured out how to take photos.

You’ll find yourself constantly negotiating with a one-foot dictator over just about everything that needs to be done, from getting dressed, to eating to brushing teeth and getting in the bath. Sometimes you’ll win the argument, and other times you’ll retreat in exhaustion and defeat, realizing some arguments are just not worth the energy.

There’s going to be a lot of noise, and quite a bit of shouting. Most of it theirs, but often your own too. You’ll feel terrible after and vow to try keep your cool from now on, but there will be almost daily situations that will test the limits of your temper. It will be exhausting.

You’ll end up answering the same questions over and over again, and marvel at how many why’s one kid can think of. You’ll certainly get creative in your answers, and as tiring as it can be at the time, you’ll enjoy the back and forth banter.

You’ll be told the most fantastical stories of what happened at play school every day and be amazed at your little one’s imagination and ability to retain information.

It will always take you longer than you expected to get the bags and car packed and everyone strapped in to go anywhere, and by the time you’re in the car, you’ll be so exhausted and grumpy that you don’t feel like going anymore.

You’ll find yourself reading the same story book every single night on repeat until you want to burn it. But then your little one will hold the book and start telling the story to you, turning the pages as if they’re reading. It will completely melt your heart, and you’ll look at your spouse with the goofiest smile and a little twinkle of a tear in your eye, and share a moment of such pride that you no longer mind hearing about the lion and the jackal for the thousandth time.

There is no doubt about it – raising a threenager is a tough gig. But through all the craziness, there will also be lots of special moments to savour.

There will be loads of cuddles, giggles, hugs and big loves.

There will be lots of moments of joy and fun. Opportunities to unleash your inner child and hidden creativity.

You’ll look at your child and be overwhelmed by their beauty and innocence and humbled by the fact that God chose you especially for them, and them for you.

There will be plenty of special memories made, interesting conversations and moments of laughter and tears, and sharing of special family memories.

These are the moments to treasure – the moments that will get you through it all.

Disciplining twins and the battle of wills – a father’s perspective

On By twinmumtalesIn being a dad, parenting, twins, Uncategorized2 Comments

A guest post by IP.

The long weekend has just come to an end, and I must admit I am looking forward to going back to work. At work I am in charge, I call the shots, I control what is going on, and I enjoy empowering my staff to be their best. When at home, well that level of authority and influence seems to have little or no meaning. My twins don’t seem to understand that daddy is the boss, and the level of influence used at work has little or no effect on 2.5-year-old twins. I have come to understand that your children will not obey and respect you just because by default you are their parent. This is something that I am wrestling with.  Growing up for me was completely different. We respected and almost feared figures of authority. I remember having an overwhelming respect and fear for the police. We were taught that the police took care of bad people, and somehow that involved bad children too.

My memory takes me back to when I threw a tantrum just after moving into my parent’s new home. I was about three. I didn’t want to go to sleep and stamped my fists hard against the wall. I then proceeded to throw myself on the floor and did that well known kicking regime we as parents dread. I also remember my dad coming into the room and swiftly giving me a good hiding. Neither I nor my parents have any recollection of any tantrums thereafter. So why does this not work in my home? I ask.

IMG_2198When it comes to our twins’ personality, one is more pliable and obedient, willing to engage in reason and negotiation, and the other kicks against any form of authority. She is very strong willed, determined to complete what her mind has set out to do and nothing will stop her. This is quite a challenge for any parent when emotion and lack of reason dominates the mind of a 2.5-year-old.

Just this weekend the scene of the battle of wills played out in many ways, which left me feeling rather defeated and threadbare.

For instance, a simple outing to the shops can become a complex web of emotions devoid of any logic. While loading the pair into the car, the stronger willed twin goes ballistic because she is not in the correct seat. I was unaware that there was a seating arrangement in my car! In such cases I am largely detached from my emotions, and I silently whisper my disgruntlement under my breath. Take 2, I calmly, while very irritated, unclip each twin and proceed to put them in their correct seat. The strong-willed twin scuffs her pants on my car rim in the process, soiling her pants. This is proving to be too much, and she does that thing I love to hate by throwing herself on my dirty and dusty garage floor. By now I am really worked up. Back in the house I run, baby wipes in hand to clean dirty clothes and mentally trying to keep cool. The twins are finally buckled up and I am ready to go. The other twin decides she wants her stuffed toy lying behind the driver’s seat from the day before. The other twin is now screaming because that has now suddenly become her stuffed toy and she wants it back. You can picture steam starting to emerge from my ears. I run back inside and get what I believe will be a toy that will calm her down. It works, but now I don’t want to go to the shops anymore. I am beyond angry, and I hate everyone.

On the way to the shop, willful twin decides to climb out of her car seat straps. I bellow for her to put her straps back on. She listens, but three minutes later, the game starts all over again. We finally arrive at the pet shop. We look at the rabbits, we look at the snakes, we look at the birds and we look at the fish. Then, both twins decide to run in different directions and I am left running around a large shop looking for two very fast twin girls. I see one, I run, but this is now a game, and she runs faster. I catch up managing to grab her by the arm and hurl her up to my shoulder line and tell her not to do that again. I now proceed to run with willful twin on my shoulders who is doing her utmost best to do another escape while I am running around frantically looking for twin B. This naturally creates quite a commotion as daddy is running around with a twin that has moved from shoulder to daddy’s ankles while trying to look for her sister. Most patrons stop and stare. Most people say, “Ag shame man, you seem to have your hands full.” Other patrons look at me in disgust looking on very judgingly while I try contain the situation. I finally find twin B. She was hiding under the skinny guinea pig display. Why did I not look there first? I thought.

We proceed to buy cat food, but unfortunately, we had to walk past the dog and cat toys. Willful twin insists I need to buy her a ball. I explain that this is not a ball for children, but for dogs. I can’t explain the amount of whining that proceeded. Now twin B sees a gap and makes another break. Damn it man, and some other words are mumbled as I make another dart to bring order to the situation.

I am now truly convinced it cannot get any worse, when willful twin decides to take her clothes off in the middle of the pet shop with nappy in hand, shouting at the top of her voice, “I need to poo daddy!” What the hell man, I run with a willful naked twin under my arm, willing twin B to follow suite. Cat and bird food dumped as is as I make a run for it. We get to the disabled loo as it seemed most appropriate at the time, while I position willful twin on the toilet. She executes what she told everyone she wanted to do minutes earlier. High fives abound. Twin B sees this as a competition and does not want to be left out. I position her on the toilet. High fives abound. I pick up willful twin to wash her hands. Twin B washes her hands, but willful twin is now super upset because there is no towel to dry her hands. This causes much commotion as she throws herself on the dirty toilet floor. The germaphobe in me is disgusted. Wash hands and repeat….

We leave the pet shop. I proceed to hold both girls’ hands as we cross the car park. Willful twin refuses to hold my hand. I now have one twin holding my hand, another being dragged across the car park as I insist this is for her safety and a balancing act ensues whilst trying to keep my cat and bird food from dislodging from my armpits.

Off to Builders Warehouse. I am now asking what I did not learn from the pet shop experience?! This will be much easier. They have trolleys I say to myself. I can put both in the trolley and push them at pace through the shop’s aisles which will entertain them and minimize damage to all parties. After all, it worked before right!? Out the car, and off to the trolleys we go. Both twins safely loaded into one trolley. Twin B decides that she wants to sit in the trolley seat. Willful twin is now throwing a tantrum in the trolley because she too wants to sit in the seat. She is insisting she has her own trolley. Picture it, two trollies being pushed by one weary dad through Builders Warehouse…I was going to have none of it.

Back home and bed time finally approaches. Mommy and daddy are sensing the anticipation of sitting down with a glass of wine, but not before a struggle through supper trying to keep dirty feet off the chairs and constantly reassuring that one’s bum is meant to be on the chair and not dirty little feet. Twin A tells willful twin that her bum is full of poo. My wife and I laugh. This happens all amid a very important disciplinary lesson, but we cannot contain ourselves any longer and we laugh. The situation is now ruined and a riot starts as one twin starts to chase the other with a piece of meat in hand. This unfortunately leads to a lot of running and chewing at the same time and twin B starts coughing which leads to three strikes of projectile vomit all over the floor, and all over my wife and the clean washing she just brought in from the washing line. Wash and repeat…

The house is in a mess, and smells like vomit. I proceed to clean up while my wife baths the twins. I hear shrieks of laughter while naked bodies dance around the house. Story time and an easy bed time brings on a quiet sense of relief as we strap ourselves into our beds feeling rather weary from a very challenging and comical long weekend.

So where does this leave us? Well, I shamefully admit that my strict disciplinary approach works only 50 percent of the time. It has left me rather confused.

Secondly, two children, same disciplinary approach, two different results. This leads me to a crucial point. Human beings are super complex. One size does not fit all.

Parenting takes work and lots of it. I find myself becoming lazy as I am just so tired of repeating myself. I mean, how many “say thank you” and how many “say please” and “take your feet off the chair” must a parent utter in his children’s lifetime?!

Thirdly, I think one must be constant, and unchanging no matter how gatvol you are. We must follow through.

Lastly, I am encouraged to read an informative book I read some time back called, “The Five Love Languages for Children” by Gary Chapman. The book explains how each person has a different love language and to get the most out of a child, or adult for that matter, one needs to communicate in that person’s love language. I think discipline cannot be a blanket approach. Much understanding and thought needs to go into it.

As parents, we unfortunately do not receive a manual when our children arrive. We are like a deer in the headlights. We lean on our own experiences and upbringing as a point of reference and when that does not work then we become disillusioned. Raising children is complex and our approach to raising well-mannered, well rounded responsible children takes commitment, effort and lots of blood, sweat and tears. I don’t profess to know it all. I write this knowing full well that I have a lot to learn.

Tenaciously I will attempt to do a better job tomorrow, as I venture into the unknown and do it all again.

Being an introverted mom: I love my kids, but I also need my space

On By twinmumtalesIn being a mom, parenting, twins, Uncategorized3 Comments

Introvert-QuotesI’m an introvert. Something I’m not embarrassed to admit. This can sometimes be misinterpreted as being unfriendly or aloof, or as someone alluded to the other day, that apparently I am not a people-person. No, that’s not true, as that would imply that I don’t like people. Of course I like people, but that doesn’t mean I want them around me ALL the time. I’m happy in my own company, I prefer more one-on-one interactions with people, I don’t really like crowds and I particularly like my own space.

Space…this is something that us mommies get to have very little of, because having little children means that someone is in your space almost constantly. So having children can certainly add a whole other dynamic to life as an introvert.

My twins are now two and a half and are at a particularly clingy phase of their life, where separation anxiety has reached a little peak. HJ is particularly attached to me and follows me around the house all day. AG is a bit more independent at home and is happy to sit and do her own thing for a while without worrying about where mommy is constantly, but HJ is my little shadow, asking “What you doing, mommy?” at least every 20 minutes.

But it’s not only the following me around and the 20 questions, it’s the constant touching me, grimy little fingers messing my clothes, climbing on me, pulling my hair band out, trying to remove my glasses from my face, and wanting to be picked up all the time that go along with it too.

If you’re someone who generally likes their space, you’ll understand that this can be draining. Especially if you are not getting any chance in the day to just take a break, even to go pee in peace. Over the past couple of weeks the girls have been resisting their day naps as well, and it’s been a desperate struggle for me to get them to have that little sleep in the day. I’m desperate for that time so that I too can have a little bit of down time, some time with my own thoughts, some time for a cup of tea in peace – if they don’t sleep, then I don’t have a break all day, essentially being on the go from 6am when we all wake up to when I collapse on the couch or bed, when the girls are finally snoring in their beds and the house is clean, at about 9pm.

It’s especially hard when IP is overseas for work and I have no back up. It is super hectic being one mommy versus two monkeys. He at least gets to have a break from it all. Yes, yes, I know he is there for work, and he is working hard, but he is getting a time out from the struggles of toddler-dom. And I have to admit, I do envy him sometimes, especially in those weeks where he has been in a romantic city like Barcelona or Madrid, sipping on sangria and eating paella, and I have had to deal with a sick child, copious amounts of vomit, washing, juggling work and kids and NO sleep.

When he is home, IP is getting better at giving me a bit more alone time, but it has been a battle sometimes to get it right. Even if I try to escape unnoticed to the next room for 20 minutes while he is playing with them, inevitably, I’ll hear the pitter patter of little feet coming into the room within a few minutes, and a little voice saying, “What you doing, mommy?”. Admittedly, it is rather cute that they care so much about me and what I’m doing, I feel honoured! But, oh my word, this mommy still needs some time out too.

In the very early days my introvert nature took particular strain with the challenge of being out in public with the girls. As most twin moms know, pushing around a double pram gets plenty of attention and people know no boundaries when it comes to personal space and asking a million personal questions. Going to a shop for a quick bag of groceries became a serious lesson in patience, and I became a master of not making eye contact with anyone for fear they would approach me or try strike up a conversation. I would always try be polite when people approached me, but there were times when my sarcasm reached a peak and I no longer tried to hide my annoyance at the interruption to my time and energy. I mean, seriously, navigating that pram around store corners is hard enough as it is without being stopped every few minutes by people who don’t know how to mind their own business.

But being an introverted mom is not only about wanting space and not wanting to be around people. On the flip side, motherhood as an introvert can be an extremely lonely journey, especially if you’re a stay-at-home or, in my case, a work-from-home mom. There are days when you crave the company of others, and are desperate for some adult conversation that doesn’t involve talking about children. But at the end of the day, you’re just too exhausted to make any real effort to connect with people, and it’s just too hectic going out with the kids, so you stay at home, living the same cycle over and over.

Many moms join mothers’ groups for the chance to meet other moms in the same boat and these are a wonderful means of making new friends and getting out the house when you feel like the walls are going to cave in on you. But for an introvert, these groups  can be terrifying. And for an introverted mom with twins, well, this presents a whole other pile of difficulties. An introvert is not naturally going to strike up random conversations with random strangers at these gatherings, and then when you’re trying to run after two toddlers at the same time it’s virtually impossible to actually do any socialising at a mom’s group. So by the time you leave you’re absolutely exhausted, and you realise you didn’t even talk to another mom and never even had a chance to have a cup of tea, so you end up not going back the next week because you wonder what the point was in the first place.

But I also realise that this phase too shall pass. I know there will come a time when my children will no longer want to sit on my lap, won’t come running for cuddles, will no longer ask me what I’m doing fifty times a day. Soon they probably won’t want to know me, will be embarrassed by me, won’t care what I’m doing. And then I’ll probably be writing a new blog post lamenting how my kids don’t want to spend time with me anymore, and I’ll be longing for the old days when they were my little shadows.

I know they will eventually become self-sufficient enough that I’m not constantly running after them, making sure they’re not about to tumble down the steep stairs or fall off the jungle gym because they want to climb the monkey bars. I know eventually there will come a time when I can sit with a cup of tea and relax, have a normal conversation and finally get some “me time”.

So as hard as this current phase is, I know I need to enjoy these small moments while I’m still the most important person in their lives. I’m their hero, I’m their everything, I am their mommy, and I love these munchkins to bits. Although I need space and my own time sometimes, and it’s a constant struggle for me to keep my cool when all I want to do it sit for five minutes uninterrupted, or have an adult conversation, I know it’s more important to give my time to these children.

One day, they won’t look back at all the things I gave them, and thank me. No, one day they will look back and remember the TIME I gave them, the memories I made with them, the experiences I shared with them, and they will know that I was there for them, always.

We survived the first week of play school

On By twinmumtalesIn being a mom, parenting, play school, UncategorizedLeave a comment

pawpatrolIt’s been an exciting, but also a rather traumatic week in our house as the twins started play school. This is the first time that they have ever been away from home and not had any access to me or IP, so as you can imagine it’s been a very emotional roller coaster for all of us.

I can honestly say that this has been the hardest thing that I have had to do as a mother – drop my little ones at school and say good bye to two screaming and crying little girls has nearly broken my heart in two. Some days the teachers have had to literally pull them off me. And every morning as I get back in my car I burst into tears myself.

I at least take comfort in the fact that they are at an excellent school, the teachers are lovely and I know they are well cared for in the day. When I fetch them I’m told that they don’t cry for long and they have a fun day, with lots of laughter and running around, so I know they’re going to be okay. In fact, when I fetch them, AG doesn’t want to come home. Yesterday, I had to pull her off the bike and carry her out. HJ, on the other hand, just jumps into my arms and says “I wanna go home”.

Despite the emotional roller coaster that school has brought, we know we made the right decision to enrol them in school. They needed this: getting more stimulation in an organised and structured environment, making new friends, and having more space to run around and just have fun. I know they are going to thrive there. And at least they have each other. It is really sweet as the teachers tell me that when HJ cries, AG pats her back and says “It’s all right….it’s all right”. That just brings another tear to my eye, but also brings a smile to my face.

My babies are growing up so fast. In fact they’re not babies any more. They are sweet, intelligent, caring, funny, amazing little girls!

We are super excited for 2017 and all the changes it will bring. A new town, a new school and new adventures for us as a family. Bring it on, we are ready!

 

Having twins – a father’s perspective

On By twinmumtalesIn being a dad, parenting, prematurity, twins, UncategorizedLeave a comment

A guest post by IP on the first year of becoming a twin daddy.

img-20140919-wa004Life before twins was relatively simple. I looked after my immediate needs and when I look back I realise I was largely a selfish person. Why my wife and I even planned date nights before having twin girls is a mystery to me. Why do couples without kids need to diarise time to spend with their spouse anyway?! Weekends spent with my wife were blissful and fun times. We had a blank canvas of opportunity…opportunity to do whatever we wanted when we wanted. There were no long-term consequences to our decisions. Saturday mornings were spent lying in bed until whatever time we pleased, and this was largely dependent on what we did the night before. Saturday afternoons were spent walking around markets, going for a hike, and running in the forest.

Then, our twins arrived. We were blissfully unaware of what lay ahead. They were born at 32 weeks, and spent three and a half weeks in the NICU.

I remember the last night of NICU vividly. We were given a room in the hospital with two beds and two cots and for the first time there were NO nurses to assist us. I was petrified! The side wheels had been removed, and I was leaning very much to one side. That first night consisted of feeds every three hours with a helpless little baby on each parent’s lap. Broken sleep totaling three hours at the most forced me to reassess who I was. I cried. I felt weak and helpless. How was I going to be a parent to twin girls with this amount of sleep, I lamented?! I don’t remember going to work the next morning. All I knew was that I was scared, very scared of what lay ahead.

The days and weeks that followed blurred into a haze of routine. Those three-hour feeding cycles were brutal. I assigned myself to bed and bath time routine, and the early 4am shift before showering and going to work. When I look back now I don’t know how we did it, and how we coped, but we did, by God’s grace.

img-20140927-wa002The human body, however, is adaptable if you beat it hard enough. In the same year I was finishing off a business degree, and I had started a new job which involved a lot of travel. The only way I thought to get through it all was to put each task into a box. Fulfilling each task eventually became a habit and coping mechanism, and I subtly sought pleasure in completing all my tasks.

I had many interests before the twins arrived. Hiking, fishing, camping, making beer, and flying model helicopters took up most of my time. Now my life consisted of milk, vomit, changing nappies and sleepless nights. I yearned to have the option of at least deciding for myself what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it! It was tough. I loved these helpless little beings so much, but nothing had prepared me for this. Nothing had stripped me so bare. I realised I existed only for them; none of my needs mattered anymore.

Then there was my wife, the apple of my eye. I was devoted to her before the kids came. Chaos had erupted in our house and I had battened down the hatches and went into survival mode. All the focus was on the children. We were at their beck and call for every whim and need. They not so subtly reminded us of that during mammoth crying sessions in tandem. Nights were long, and it became easy to think evil thoughts and to act a little strangely at times. Sleep deprivation does that to you.

Weekends were now very different.

My wife was facing her own struggles. Being a mother of twins requires an inner strength and tenacity that no one will understand. My hectic work schedule was also not helping matters. A busy travel schedule coupled with finishing off a business degree and trying to be a parent had me thinking I was contributing towards society, providing for my family, and taking care of the kids needs. In all these “unselfish” acts I had become selfish, driven to complete all the tasks that had taken over my life, yet forgetting the most important person in my life, my wife.

I had realised that I was attempting to take care of everyone else’s needs yet failing her as her husband. This is still a very difficult thing to accept with my driven A type personality that likes to get things done and likes to solve the problems of the world and move on. Woman are not created like that. I felt helpless. I was achieving my goals in all aspects of my life and gaining recognition in my work, yet failing my wife. How could this be?

Weekend chores did not get the response from her that I was expecting. I thought all women are pleased when their husbands do housework! Here I was feeding the kids, spending time with them, cleaning the house and trying to add value to the household, yet my wife was lonely. I had not spent time with her. I had not engaged with her like I did before the children had arrived. She was not the centre anymore. I was distracted with all the chores that had to be completed with having twins that constantly demanded a routine of crying, feeding, pooping, and sleep.

I think most men can relate to the above. We work hard for our families, we do the best we can with what we know, but sometimes it is not good enough. We struggle to focus on many things. I know I certainly did. Our families want us, they want our full attention, they want us to notice them, and they want our time. We as men often fail at this. We are responsible for not just our family’s financial needs, but their physical, emotional and spiritual needs as well. It became too easy for me to fulfill the financial need through my hard work, and long hours away from home, but I had failed to see that they needed me more in the other aspects of their life.

As men, we are to put God first, love our spouses second, and then love our children. I had got it wrong, and it showed. We do our families a disservice when we get the above formula wrong. For one, loving our children over loving our wives is a disaster waiting to happen. Our wives came first, and loving them first will allow our children to grow up in a loving and secure home where everyone benefits.

I know I have a lot to learn, and I still fail, but I am aware that the only way my needs will ever be met is if I unselfishly lay my life down for them. There are moments when I realise I have gotten this simple aspect right, and it is in these moments that I realise that I am the most blessed man alive and wouldn’t want it any other way.

Mommy is at breaking point

On By twinmumtalesIn parenting, twinsLeave a comment

Today I feel completely defeated, deflated, exhausted, finished, and kaput!

I suppose it’s partly just that time of year, but it’s more than that…

Being a parent is hard work, and being a parent of twins is harder still.

Trying to parent while working, buying a new house, planning a move to a new town, and maintaining a marriage is even harder. But I guess this is all just part of life and being a grown up, and I know I should just stop complaining about these things, because actually, they’re all my biggest blessings – my children, my husband, and our new adventure in a new town to look forward to. But I’m tired, and sometimes it’s all just a bit much to deal with. Sometimes I just don’t want to be a grown up for a little while.

Right now I feel like I’m trapped in this crazy, sleepless, frustrating world of toddler-dom. Having two two-year olds who fight me every night at bed time, and who just want me all the time at the same time throughout the night is exhausting.

I’m not complaining about my children wanting me, I’m their mother, after all, and of course I want them to want me, and I will always be there for them. But sometimes I also just need a break. I just wish I could tuck them into bed and they’ll roll over and actually go to sleep and then wake up happily the next morning after sleeping through the whole night. But alas, that’s not what’s happening in this house at the moment and it’s really starting to take its toll on all of us. Both girls are fighting bed time with all their might and it’s become a joint effort for them to see who can scream for mommy the loudest. And then they’re both waking up at least once in the night, with HJ refusing to go back to sleep in her own bed once she’s awake, so she ends up in our bed or in the spare room bed, and AG wants me to stay with her in her bed if she wakes in the night, so I end up going from one room to another in a silly game of musical beds for most of the night

And I’ve started screaming back. I’ve become this horrible dragon mom who I really don’t like very much right now. And what’s worse, I’ve become this horrible dragon wife who I like even less.

It’s all just too much at the moment and I feel like I’m at a breaking point.

I do believe it might be time to call in the reinforcements. It might be time to get in a sleep trainer. We have to do something, because something needs to change. We can’t keep running on this never-ending treadmill of craziness.

I’m sure one day we will look back and laugh at it all, but not today, today I just want to cry.

Here’s hoping things get better soon…cos this mommy is sooooooo tired.

Two toddlers, one mommy – how do I split myself in half?

On By twinmumtalesIn parenting, twins2 Comments

It’s been a tough few weeks in our house as both our girls are going through a rather clingy phase where they both just want mommy, and they both just want mommy all the time, at the same time.

I’m sure many other twin moms will understand how this goes – it’s something we’ve had to deal with right from the beginning – having two little babies at the same time and trying to balance our time and attention for both of them. I think this is one of the most challenging aspects of being a parent of multiples, and I’ve especially felt it over the last few weeks with my two toddlers.

It all started when we were on holiday in Australia last month, and I think they were feeling rather insecure being in a strange environment with lots of strange people, and naturally they clung to their mommy. But ever since we’ve been back it seems to have gotten worse and they’ve become more demanding in their quest for my attention. The girls moved from their cots into single beds a couple of weeks ago, and I think this has also been a major contributing factor at the moment.

It’s been very trying for both IP and I, as it’s exhausting for me to be in such demand all the time and it’s difficult for him not to be able to help in any meaningful way because they don’t want him, especially in the middle of the night. They’ll happily spend time with daddy and play with him during the day, but when it comes to bed time and waking in the night, they just want mommy. This has been when all hell breaks loose because they’ve been waking each other up in the night, and then they both want me to lie on their bed with them. So I am constantly going from one bed to the next to try comfort them, and they will both scream if I am sitting on the other’s bed, and if I pick one up and sit with her on the other’s bed then they both get even more upset and scream at each other.

It’s heart-breaking not being able to adequately see to both my children’s needs at the same time when they seem to be feeling so insecure and just really want their mommy.  The situation is exacerbated by my absolute exhaustion and dwindling patience, and there have been a few times when I’ve felt like I was going to lose the plot completely.

It’s emotionally and physically exhausting, and we really are hoping things will settle again soon.

Have any other multiple moms experienced this? Would love to hear some insights!

Today our twins are TWO!!!

On By twinmumtalesIn twins1 Comment

Today marks a very special day for us as we celebrate the second birthday of AG and HJ!

handa

Wow, I can’t believe how time has flown and we have officially survived the first two years with twins. It’s been tough, it’s been scary, it’s been fun, it’s been frustrating, it’s been crazy, it’s been wonderful, it’s been an adventure!

There have been many tears, but also many laughs, and even though the last two years have been the most challenging that IP and I have faced together, I think we’ve come out stronger than ever. I reckon if a marriage can survive the first two years of twins, it can survive a life time!

Looking back over the last two years, I have much to reflect on and there are so many memories flooding back; from our first month in the NICU with our 32-weekers, to the first steps, the first words, the first time my little girls put their arms around me, to just recently when they started saying “wuff you mommy”. Well, I love you too my girls!

You have turned our world inside out and upside down, but we wouldn’t have it any other way.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HJ AND AG! MOMMY AND DADDY LOVE YOU VERY, VERY MUCH!!!